I sometimes wonder
What will my final resting place be?
Heaven seems so far
For the hell
Is right inside me

My head is a dangerous alley
A polar opposite
of the smile
that I bear on my deceitful face.

Screams so shrill
they often tend to deafen
my ears
to the song of my soul
There are times when I
drown in tears
And on some days
My blood smeared fingers
fall short to count
the many times
I have killed our daughter,
killed myself
slit your throat too.
I tell you
all of this
is incomprehensible
and as unreasonable
as my frequent breakdowns
in those unexplained tears.

For this
I have no logical explanations
and no social inclinations
to reach out
to you
or to the world.
Words fall short
to convey
this searing pain
which is born out of nowhere
but seeks to engulf my entire existence.

The men in white coats
say that it’s natural
and that there are lots
and lots of screaming heads like mine.

I have never lived a goal
nor satisfactorily met a deadline.
The thought of comparing me
with those overachieving angels
is shuddering “Lucky heads” I say
theirs works only the needed much.
How do I conquer new realms
when these internal battles
consume everything in me?

And now,
having been wounded
such a manier times
I have made it
known to myself
that the twists of my head
are like ocean waves
recurrent
and powerful
But every time they return,
They leave me stronger.

These are phases they say,
I might still be in one
but now,
I go out for a walk,
I sip my favourite wine.
I do all of what that assures me
that everything will be fine.

Darling I know,
I have driven you away
a lot more times
than I have sent a neat response
to your concerns.

It may feel like a dead end
and still there will be no answer
from my mouth which is
dripping with poison
when I am possessed by it.

I want you to let me go
when it takes me away
far away with itself.
Maybe this will help my pain hon,
and I
surely will return.

And when I’ll be back
I want you to believe
my radiant smile
which says that I’m okay.
I want you to accept
the twists of my head
as a normal part
of our beautiful lives,
Because we know it’s natural.

Your love will rekindle my faith in me,
Embrace these twists
their recurrence
with grace
and ever happy we will be.

When you vowed to take me
in sickness and health
I take it to mean
both physical and mental.

Then we shall stop counting
the number of times it visits us
we will cater it with our enlightened hearts
and I will continue
to sustain and nurture life on me.

-Samyukta Joshi